Five Ways to Help Kids Growing Up Overseas

My kids with their Turkish abla, 2010

I still remember the circumcision party of my neighbor’s boy. My son followed all his buddies into the boy’s bedroom, and suddenly the door shut.  I realized the circumcision was about to happen behind that closed door, and without making a scene in front of our whole neighborhood, there was no way to get my son out!  I thought that was a pretty big step of independence for a 5 year old.  Just the other day my 13 year old daughter rode the bus downtown by herself for the first time.  Growing up always involves bigger and bigger steps to independence, but somehow that journey seems a bit more perilous when you’re overseas.

When It's Hard to Trust God with Your Kids

When I saw my minutes-old son kicking and screaming in the delivery room 15 years ago, I had no idea how much joy and heartbreak being a mother would involve. I had no idea that he’d go from speaking Spanish to English before learning Turkish and that he’d learn to navigate anywhere alone by bus, metro or ferry in our Middle Eastern city.  I had no idea that my biggest challenge living overseas would be agonizing over whether we’re messing up our kids by raising them here.

Never Say Never

Homeschooling was something I said I’d never do.  

That was for geeks and fringe types, right? If I lived in America, I’m not sure if I would home school or not, but in 2003, the thought of my 6 year old struggling to learn reading in a language he barely knew was not very appealing. 

Early Home School Activity

So his first year of school, my son went to Turkish kindergarten three afternoons a week, and did English home school in the morning.  He actually hated kindergarten, which I’d always thought was supposed to be fun. One of my worst memories of our first year in Turkey is of a morning in November, months after school had started. My gregarious, outgoing son, whom I’d supposed was adjusting well, burst into tears and clung to my waist.

Ways to Give More than just the Leftovers.

Why is it so easy to let the relationships closest to you slide? If you’re like me, family members are the first ones you take for granted. Last week I wrote about Giving Your Marriage More than just the Leftovers.

My husband is my best friend, but it’s easy to overlook him during daily routines with two teenagers excited about life and bursting at the seams to talk about everything. It’s easy to overlook him as I rush out the door to the supermarket, or get ready for an occasional evening out with girl friends. Through the ins and outs of life, we can end up going our separate ways in the same house if we’re not careful to cultivate oneness.

Giving your Marriage More than just the Leftovers

One of my favorite photos of my husband and I, taken 3 years ago.

When was the last time you sat down and had a great conversation with your spouse? On the tail end of a week of stressful conflict, my husband and I recently had a wonderful coffee date.  We had already spent enough time talking through the issues, which we both later agreed were trivial. Our coffee date was just for fun.  We sat in a pastry shop holding hot mugs, looking out at the cold winter day and sharing our ideas, plans, goals, and thoughts with each other. This conversation spilled over into the rest of our week, and we came together at several different points to continue the dialogue.  This awakened in me all over again the delight of discovering my husband.

Cross cultural life involves stress and adaptation issues that can be hard on a marriage.

Don't Leave Your Kids Behind

photo courtesy of 9sn.net

When my husband and I got on a plane to move to the Middle East ten years ago, we wouldn’t have dreamed of leaving our kids behind.

I remember my 5 year old son’s reaction to Friday noon prayers as we passed by a mosque during our first month here. Hearing Arabic prayers belting out over loudspeakers and seeing rows of men bowed over prayer rugs galvanized him.  He grabbed my arm and yelled, “Mom, what are they doing? What’s that sound?”

Read the rest of this post at Missional Mama

I did a guest post this week for a new blogging friend, and here it is.  Missional Mama is a great resource for homeschooling mothers who are overseas.

Have a great week!

How to Handle Kids Who’d Rather Eat Cacık than Captain Crunch

Shh.  Can I tell you a secret? My kids hate Captain Crunch.  In fact they don’t want to eat breakfast cereal. Period.  Not even Lucky Charms.  But they love stuffed grape leaves and eggplant. (Not for breakfast, of course.)

Last week I wrote about the privileges and problems of Third Culture Kids.  Here is more about our experience and approach to helping our kids adjust.

Our Experience:

After living in Turkey 7 years, our family decided to go back “home” to America in 2009 for a whole year to get my husband’s US citizenship. I dreaded the stress it would mean for our family, but I expected our kids to be excited.  I was shocked to realize that neither of them wanted to go.  What pre-teen wants to leave his friends to move half way around the world?

Back in America my daughter cried every night the first month, saying that she wanted to go home, but slowly the kids adjusted to a new life and made friends. Thanks to a supportive family, church, and home school group, we had a positive experience.

About the time we got acclimated to life in America, it was time to turn around and come back to Turkey. Going through re-entry culture shock twice in two years was tough, but it drew our family closer together.

What We’re Learning About Helping Our Kids Adapt:

1. Be proactive in communicating with your kids about their experience. 

Listen to them if they express sadness about leaving family and home behind. Validate their feelings.  Ask them what is difficult for them and what they like about their new country.

2. Help them maintain relationships with family back home.

It takes effort, but out of sight doesn’t have to mean out of mind.  Our kids call my mother about once a week. E-mail and Facebook help them connect with other family members.

3. Nurture a solid family environment.

Family dinners and devotional times help us to reconnect nightly. Sometimes we do weekly games nights, anything to make spending time together a priority.

4. Preserve family traditions for a sense of continuity

What are your traditions?  We celebrate Thanksgiving with the same international group of friends every year. We eat pancakes every Sunday.

5. Hang in there if your child is struggling

I used to agonize if one of my kids had a problem or difficulty adjusting.  With time, I’ve learned to hang in there and keep praying.  Easier times are usually around the corner.

6. Avoid the expatriate bubble

In our early days I made lots of effort to get together with local moms and their kids, and we sent our children to Turkish pre-school. Now my kids are home schooled, but my son goes to taekwondo three times a week, and my daughter has almost daily practice with her synchronized ice skating team.  

7. Promote appreciation for the national culture in your home.

When we find ourselves or our kids criticizing Turks, we try to stop and remind ourselves and them that different is not necessarily better. 

8. Emphasize the positive
Don’t worry that you’re messing up your kids. Undoubtedly God will use their TCK experience to shape them into the unique individuals He created them to be. One study comparing Japanese TCKs with children born and raised in Japan concluded that “the TCKs were more self-confident, had more flexible minds, were more active and curious, and had a higher bilingual ability.” Celebrate the unique opportunities your kids have!

Question: How are your kids doing? What has worked for your family in helping them adjust?

You might also enjoy: Messing Up My Kids?

Two Global Nomads Growing Up Under My Roof!

My son is an honorary member of a rare Turkish believing family.  Andres and his friend Ege are like two peas in a pod. He eats dinner at Ege’s most Sunday nights.  He learned to plain yogurt with raw garlic for Ege’s mom. He has the privilege of sitting in while she reads scripture to her boys after dinner. When Andres spends the night there in the summertime, the boys escape the heat of the apartment to sleep outside on the balcony floor, drifting off despite the blaring television on the balcony next door.

TCK’s

Andres is a Third Culture Kid, just like my daughter Camille. They are growing up “between worlds,” in a culture different from mine. 

Last summer I picked up the book, Third Culture Kids: Growing Up Among Worlds by David Pollock and Ruth Van Reken. As I leafed through it, a light dawned for me: although my husband and I experience culture shock and must adapt, we cannot fully realize what our children go through because we are not TCK’s.  We were born and raised in our parent’s home countries. Our children were born in El Salvador, but our son has partially forgotten his original mother tongue. Since leaving El Salvador, he and his sister have lived in the US two and a half years and in Turkey 9 years.

Being a TCK has its blessings and its curses. I asked Andres (14) and Camille (12) what they think the privileges and problems are.  Here are their thoughts:

Privileges:

 “You get to go to countries you wouldn’t have been to and have more adventures; it’s more fun.”

“You get to try out lots of yummy food!”

“You get to meet people from different nationalities with different world views.”

 “You can learn different languages.”

“You celebrate a lot of holidays, Turkish and American.  That means lots of time off school!”

“You have a different perspective about the rest of the world than many people in America because you’ve spent more time outside.  If there’s a problem between the US and the Middle East, we hear the Middle East perspective because we’re here, and we hear the US perspective on the news.”

“I love my English speaking youth group of kids from different churches and nationalities.  I hear German at youth group, not just from WWII movies.”

Problems:

“You’re disconnected with your relatives and family back home because you don’t get to see them often.”

“You don’t have many friends in America.”

“When people here find out you’re a foreigner, they assume you’re culturally ignorant, and they start to explain things, and when you’ve been living in Turkey a long time, it gets old.”

“Most TCK’s go back to wherever their parents are from and they have to readjust”

“Living in Turkey, you can never be like a normal kid, but normal is over-rated anyway.”

“There’s not many of your kind, not many TCK’s around.  No one can really understand; your parents don’t understand, your Turkish friends don’t understand, and your American friends don’t understand you.  Only TCK’s can relate.”

My children haven't read any book about Third Culture Kids, but their experience is first hand.

Leave a Comment and Share your own experience:

Do you have any global nomads growing up in your home? How do you encourage and help them to adjust and adapt?  Do any of you have kids who have moved back to your home country?  Next week I'll write a second post to share what works for our family, but I want to hear your experience as well.

Called Overseas to Cook and Clean?

When God called me overseas, I had no idea how much time I’d spend cooking, cleaning, home schooling, playing games, and driving kids to sports practice. Just as if I were still back home in America. I even asked myself, “Why am I here, anyway? I can mop floors and teach reading back home.”

I had no idea that when I led a women’s study group, I’d feel bad about leaving my kids home with my husband, and when I spent days on end caring for a sick child without leaving the house, I’d feel vaguely guilty for neglecting my “ministry” responsibilities.

Years ago I asked a more experienced woman, “How do you manage to have a ministry outside of your home?”

Her answer flabbergasted me.

She said simply, “I tried that once, and it didn’t work for me.”

I’ve been chuckling over it ever since. Her open, honest attitude somehow freed me to be myself and find my own way.

Mothers Serving Overseas Come in all Shapes:

I’ve seen that women servants come in all different colors of the rainbow. Some are basically “working” mothers, hiring childcare or sending kids to local daycare or school while they serve or study the language. Others choose to center their lives more closely around their homes and children.

Find the Balance that Feels Right for You:

I’m probably somewhere in the middle, which means I burn the candle at both ends! I enjoy homeschooling and caring for my family, but my heart yearns for more than just “staying at home.” So making my home a center of hospitality has worked for me. I also visit women friends when I can.

Let Go of Guilt

I tend to compare myself with other women who seem to have a higher level of involvement. This is dangerous because inevitably I then feel guilty over not doing more. But I’m learning to relax in who God is calling me to be and also to give this freedom to others, who may not share my views.

Comments From Other Women Servants:

Last week I asked other women for their views on ministry inside and outside of their homes. Here is what they said:

• “Part of loving my family...is teaching them…how to love others outside of our circle.”
• “My family is my first ‘ministry.’ Any ‘ministry’ work that happens outside the home is just icing on the cake.”
• “Since the kids were 6 mo. old, we've had roughly 15-25 hrs/week of childcare for them.”
• “Considering the difficulties our kids go through to adjust to the new cultures, we need to give them the appropriate mother time. Actually, I find Turks very family oriented…As much as possible, I liked to do ministry that included my children. So often the children when they were young were the catalyst to relationships with other Turkish mothers.”
• “Knowing myself, I will always work more than I should…The Lord has given me kids to slow me down, to disciple me, and to teach me that my value doesn't come from my productivity... 
• “Balancing family vs. ministry isn't possible. Once things are "balanced", someone inevitably gets sick, a situation or crises arises in the work, or some other thing comes up. When we view family as ministry, you can move your fulcrum to one end or the other as needs arise. ..  
• “Perhaps our most lasting and important gift that we give to our Turkish friends, is the model of a family that is submitted to Christ and trying to make him central.”

• “While I had children at home, my strategy was to make home my primary place for outreach, discipleship and showing hospitality. Serving my husband and kids was my primary ministry, and they supported and helped me in reaching out and serving others too.”

I was encouraged by their wisdom. What are your views?

Overwhelmed by the Fast Lane

Fast Lane Life

 Do you ever feel overwhelmed by life? Like you’re racing down the fast lane? Sometimes life seems to speed up on its own.

Here’s what fast lane life looks like for me: One Sunday after breakfast with our weekend guest, my husband took my daughter to skating lessons while I cooked for our 12:00 house church meeting. I was just about to jump in the shower at 10:30 when the doorbell rang. Out of town visitors had arrived one and a half hours early. I was in my pajamas.

I ran down the hall to my son’s room. “Andres!" I said, “Open the door for them! I’ve got to take a shower!”

I raced into the bathroom, locked the door and somehow emerged 15 minutes later with clothes and makeup on. I made tea and talked with our guests until my husband returned. Other friends arrived at 12:00, and we had a great meeting. Afterwards I served soup and snacks and made tea. Everyone left by 4:30, just in time for me to make tea a third time for a couple who came at 5 for marriage counseling with my husband and me. After two hours of marriage counseling, my brain was fried, but my children, who had hadn’t had quality time with us all day, wanted to talk!

Overwhelmed

The fast lane is that state of mind when we are racing from one thing to the next, wondering how we can make everything fit in to our overloaded schedules.

Last week I was feeling overwhelmed by life and ministry. We believe God has called us to church planting, which involves visiting people, making new friends, and seeking to share the gospel. Only I still have a real life too. I home school two kids, juggle extra-curricular activities and run a weekly speech club. Of course I have to cook, clean, do laundry and get myself to the grocery store. I went to bed one night thinking, “How on earth can I do all of this and still find time to work on church planting?”

One Thing

I woke up early the next morning with the same thoughts and shuffled into the kitchen to make coffee. I sat down with my Bible. A familiar verse struck my eye:

One thing I ask of the Lord,
This is what I seek:
That I may dwell in the house of the Lord
All the days of my life,
To gaze upon the beauty of the Lord
And to seek him in his temple.

Psalm 27:4

As I thought about these verses, my anxiety began to melt away. I sat quietly in God’s presence and sensed His Spirit touching me. Slowly, peace filled my heart and mind. Everything came into focus. Life was not as complicated as I made it.

I don’t have to figure out how to fit everything into my day. All I have to do is make my relationship with God my first priority. He will order my life according to His plans as I seek Him first. I can trust that He will guide my steps as I walk through each day, living in His presence. If I seek God first, everything else, home schooling and church planting, will fall into place. That morning God transformed my thinking in just 20 minutes, and I had new peace and courage.

Of course it’s easy to forget this on those fast lane days when life spins out of control, but I know where I can go for an attitude adjustment.

My Gift to the King

When we moved to Turkey 9 years ago, we came with 17 suitcases, much to my husband’s chagrin. Travelling with so much luggage forced him into the role of superman, and we often joke about that trip saying that if he’d wanted a lower maintenance woman, he should have married someone else. I made quite a sight on the curb at the Izmir airport trying to keep the mountain of suitcases from toppling over while attempting to keep an active 4 year old boy and a two year old girl under control. We had to rent a little truck to drive our luggage across town to the place we were staying. Last week I took one of those suitcases down from its place on top of the wardrobe and unpacked its contents like I do every December.

My Christmas suitcase holds many treasures: a collection of nativity scenes; an advent wreath, and our tree ornaments, including those my mother has given me every year since I was a child. One of my favorites is a simple handmade angel made out of paper and felt that a dear family friend made for me when I was in elementary school. The angel’s pink felt face, sequin eyes, and bedraggled white yarn hair look dated now, but I love it because it reminds me of childhood Christmases.

Last Thursday while my husband did the dinner dishes, the kids and I got out our tree. To be honest, fluffing the branches, untangling the lights and stringing them on the tree with two children was stressful after a long day. I felt tired and irritable, but I did my best to put on a cheerful face. I made hot chocolate, turned on Christmas carols, and pretty soon I was enjoying watching the kids exclaim over each ornament as they put it on the tree. I remembered how my mother used to make cookies and set out party snacks for a family celebration while we decorated the tree. Now I wonder how on earth she did it; hot chocolate was all I could manage to crank out.

After the kids went to bed, I sat quietly looking at my Christmas treasures by the twinkling light of the tree. I stroked the red, green and white calico table top quilt that my grandmother pieced and my mother quilted years ago. I smiled at the wooden stable and clay figure nativity scene from El Salvador, and a miniature nativity set we bought on our honeymoon. How glad I am that I brought the blue Christmas suitcase with us 9 years ago.

My treasures connect me with my past even though today I live in a Muslim country where Christmas is not celebrated. December 25th is like any other work day; it goes by completely unnoticed. But as much as I miss my family, my church and the festive atmosphere at home during the holidays, I don’t wish to be back there. My favorite Christmastimes have been right here in Turkey. There is something powerful about celebrating Christ’s coming among people who do not recognize it. Away from the materialistic consumerism that threatens to overshadow the true meaning of Christmas in America, my family and I are freer to celebrate the birth of Christ. Being far from home makes establishing traditions with my own family important. My favorite part of December is reading scripture and praying with the kids every evening by the light of our advent wreath.

Several years I opened my home to celebrate with local believers whose families do not share their new found faith. I’ve wondered how to make Christmas more culturally relevant for Turks, who have no reason to connect a Christmas tree with Christ’s birth. I do not have any good answers, but one of my favorite Christmas memories is a dinner we had in our home for 20 people. I decided the least I could do was serve Turkish food, and I asked everyone else to please bring local style food. I slaved all day to make karniyarik (stuffed baked eggplant), but my exhaustion faded as I watched our brothers and sisters faces shining during the scripture readings and Christmas hymns we shared together after our meal.

This year on December 25th, we will host a party in our home for friends of another faith. Our goal is to share our celebration with them and explain Christ’s coming in a relaxed, friendly atmosphere. We will play games, eat together, sing some Christmas songs, read the Christmas story from Luke, and my 13 year old son will share about what Jesus’ birth means to him. Truthfully, I’m a bit nervous about the party. When you give Turks an invitation they say, “I’ll do my best to come,” so you never know if they’re really coming until the event occurs. I sweat bullets before every single event because I’m always panicked that no one will show up. However, this week I’ve decided to relax, enjoy the Holiday with my family, and rejoice in whatever God does through our party. What better way to celebrate Christ’s birth than sharing his coming with others who do not know him? This party is my gift to the Baby King.

Merry Christmas!