Taking a Break When Life Gets too Fast

Life is going too fast for me to find time for writing, so I’m taking a break.

The last month has been full of teaching commitments, end of the school year events, birthdays, trips, meetings, and home schooling. This week I'm remembering that God is in control as every day brings news of people getting hurt during the political protests here in Turkey.  At the same time I’m preparing for a trip to the U.S. June 11-19. Life is a whirlwind, but God is in the center. 

I will return to my blog July 4^th.

Until then, I hope that the Lord gives you joy and peace for each day. 

Taking Hospitality With a Grain of Salt

“Blessed is the man who can laugh at himself, for he will never cease to be amused.” This proverb is one of my favorites. It reminds me not to take myself so seriously.

Being able to laugh at myself certainly helped me during a recent catastrophe. My husband and I had guests, and when I stood up to re-fill the tea glasses, the slip I was wearing under my skirt mysteriously slid down in perfect ring around my feet!  I won't go into that story now, but I'm pretty sure it broke the norms of hospitality in any country, not just here in Turkey. (I still can’t believe it really happened.)

On a more serious note, one thing I appreciate about living here is the chance it gives me to learn more about hospitality. Turks are some of the most generous and gracious hosts I've ever seen. Hospitality is a virtue and an art, whether it's a casual visit over Turkish coffee and a piece of chocolate or a dinner with 10 different dishes. I've learned a lot about how to receive guests in my home, but honestly I sometimes feel pressured to somehow live up to Turkish standards, and If I compare myself to them, I'll always fall short!

Here are some helpful lessons I’ve learned:

Relax and be yourself

I'll never be the Perfect Turkish Hostess (P.T.H.), and that is okay!  Instead I try to relax in and be who I am. The P.T.H. is elegantly dressed and serves delectable treats while she chats effortlessly with guests. She probably only exists in my head. I'm much better at being myself than at striving to put on a show of elaborate hospitality that just leaves me feeling stressed.

Keep it simple

Sometimes it feels like I’m forever in the kitchen preparing food for meetings or for guests.  This is a warning that I’m striving too hard to be a P.T.H., and I’d better simplify things instead. I've seen Turks get out a simple assortment of nuts, fruits and bought cookies for visitors. That’s a lot easier than baking a cake.

Focus on your Guests

I can't prepare a 10 course meal and be happy and relaxed when my guests arrive. What I can do is a salad, main dish, rice and maybe a vegetable or soup. If I keep things simple, I'm more relaxed and able to actually enjoy time with friends.  

Find a Middle Ground

I want to be cross-culturally relevant, so that Turks can relate to me. I try to do some things their way. I can kiss my guests, offer slippers, pass around lemon cologne (if I remember) and make Turkish coffee. But on the inside, I’m still American, and I need to be myself as well. For example, a few weeks ago, I had to gently explain to a guest that I needed to leave, something that a P.T.H. would try to avoid. I find that most of my Turkish friends are extremely understanding and kind when I do things differently.

Laugh at yourself when things don't go as planned

During the Classic Turkish Moment I wrote about last week, when I found myself serving a dinner I’d made for 4 to 9 people instead, I laughed.  What else could I do? Keeping my sense of humor helps me to continue enjoying cross-cultural life and time with my friends.

After all, isn't enjoyment what gracious hospitality is all about?

I am posting this from my archives, so that I can focus on two different talks I need to prepare this week.

Why I Can Now Be a Real, Bona-Fide Turkish Housewife

Yesterday I celebrated my 49^th birthday and made it to #2,985 on my One Thousands Gifts List.  See my list below to find out which gift makes me qualify to be a real-life, bona-fide Turkish housewife:

# 2, 977. The sweet sister who organized my birthday breakfast.

# 2,978. Sixteen dear friends (not all shown here)
came to celebrate.

#2,979.  Delicious food.

#2, 980.  My very own düdüklü tencere!
Everyone contributed to buy me a pressure cooker.  Now
I can qualify to be a bona-fide Turkish housewife and make my
mercimek çorbası (lentil soup) in no time!

#2,981. Every year I give thanks for the best gift I've
ever received: a great husband!

#2,982. My daughter wrote a poem about me.
#2,983. My son learned to play my favorite song:
"Take Me into the Beautiful."

#2984. This year my birthday gift to myself was to memorize Psalm 100.  It reminds me to be thankful even though the microwave just broke, we had the plumber to the house twice yesterday, and the electricity was off this morning!  

Shout for joy to the Lord, all the earth.

     Worship the Lord with gladness;

    come before him with joyful songs.

 Know that the Lord is God.

    It is he who made us, and we are his;

    we are his people, the sheep of his pasture.

 Enter his gates with thanksgiving

    and his courts with praise;

    give thanks to him and praise his name.

 For the Lord is good and his love endures forever;

    his faithfulness continues through all generations.

#2,985.  I also give thanks for YOU, the friends who read my blog. May the Lord bless you today, and remind you that you are His, the sheep of His pasture!

Hope for When You Still Don't Speak the Language

It’s easy to get discouraged about language learning, especially when you still don’t speak the language after five years!   During our fifth year, Turkish neighbors asked my husband, “So you’ve been living here a long time now.  How come you don’t speak any better than this?” They didn’t mean to be unkind, but we were left speechless and discouraged.

My Husband and Daughter

My husband Javier is my language learning hero. Although he scored in the 25^th percentile on a language aptitude test given by our organization, he came to Turkey at age 48, determined to learn Turkish.  It’s been a long road, and we’ve learned some things together about language learning:

Follow this link to read the rest of my post on Cross-Cultural Mom's Companion

When Language Learning Has Fried Your Brain

Is there anything more frustrating than language learning for cross-cultural workers? My brain has been permanently addled by the languages I’ve studied. I’m a French teach who no longer speaks French. I used to be a totally fluent Spanish speaker, but now I stumble a bit. I’m more comfortable speaking Turkish.

My experience with Turkish goes back 13 years. I remember my first teacher, a 65 year old lady who peered at me through glasses that magnified her eyes. She would make me repeat the same words and phrases 20 times, even when I had no idea how I was saying it wrong. I had to repeat everything until she was satisfied I’d gotten it.  After 13 years I still find myself stumbling through Turkish word order and prefixes. I have to think back to how I started a sentence in order to finish it, and often everything comes out garbled, but people understand me anyway. 

Why Is Language Learning So Hard?

Language learning can be a headache for many reasons. Sometimes there’s no language school; perhaps the language you’re learning is extremely different than your own. (Spanish was much easier to learn than Turkish, but I’m glad I don’t have to deal with Arabic or Chinese.) Parents of small children barely have time for language study.  It’s especially frustrating to live in a country several years yet still struggle to speak the language.

Suggestions for the Journey:

Keep a Positive Outlook

Enjoy as many things as you can about your new country even though you may not know the language perfectly yet.  Resist the temptation to constantly evaluate yourself in terms of your progress in language learning.  Relax, and be patient with yourself. Remember that you’re God’s child, and He loves you and has great plans for you, not matter how well you speak Farsi or Spanish or German.

Don’t Play the Comparison Game

It’s tempting to compare yourself with others who speak better than you do, especially if they’ve been living in-country for the same amount of time you have. Everyone has different gifts and callings, and God can use us all, regardless of our language skills. I’ve met workers here who barely speak Turkish, but manage to share God’s love effectively.

Think Long Term

Remember that language learning is a marathon activity, the fruit of patient diligence over years.  Sooner or later you’ll get it.

Keep Going

Do a little every day, and be consistent. Even if you are caring for small children, purpose to set aside a half hour for study each day.  Try 15 minutes of reading or watch one half hour of television.  Small steps over time lead to big improvements. Slow and steady wins the race.

It you are juggling home schooling or caring for small children with language learning, you deserve a gold medal, so pat yourself on the back.  Join me next week for more ideas about language learning.

What has your experience been?

You may also enjoy: How to Survive Your First Year Overseas

and Five Ways to Deal with Culture Shock

Chocolate Cake in Olive Country

My main service as a cross-cultural worker in Turkey is probably cooking.  I cook for my family. I cook for other workers. I cook for our church meetings. I cook for Turkish visitors. Fortunately for me, I enjoy cooking.

Hospitality is important here. This is a chocolate cake recipe that has saved my life countless times in twelve years here. When Turkish women friends come over for tea, it’s customary to serve at least one tatlı (sweet) and one tuzlu (salty). Turks often serve more, but this homeschooling mom sticks to the bare minimum. I know this recipe by heart and can whip it up and throw it in the oven after school for afternoon guests.

The best part is that Turks seem to like it. It’s not always easy to find recipes that “translate” since tastes here are different. When my kids were younger, Black Magic Cake was our default cake for birthday parties, and several Turkish neighbors asked if I’d bake this cake for their kids’ birthdays too.

Black Magic Cake for a girl's 11th birthday.

Couldn't find birthday candles anywhere that year!

Black Magic Cake

Sift together:

2 cups flour

2 cups sugar

¾ cup cocoa

2 tsp. baking soda

1 tsp. baking powder

½ tsp. salt

Then add and mix:

2 eggs

1 cup black coffee (or one cup of water and 1 heaping tsp. instant coffee)

1 cup milk

½ cup oil

2 tsp. vanilla (or two packets vanilla granules)

Pour into a greased and floured 11 x 15” cake pan.  Bake at 350-375 *F for 30 minutes.  This cake turns out perfect every time.

American Style Butter cream Icing

Beat the following until smooth:

1 lb. powdered sugar (450 g)

½ cup butter

5-6 TBSP milk

1 tsp. vanilla

To frost the top of a sheet cake, I cut this recipe in half. Turks don’t like our sweet American icings, so a thin layer is best.

Alternate icing if you live in Turkey:

1 packet of Krem Şanti

1 packet Dr. Oetker Krem Ole instant pudding

1 ½ - 2 cups cold milk.

Beat until it reaches the desired consistency. Use 1 ½ cups milk and gradually add more if the icing is too thick.

Do you have a favorite, “go-to” cake that turns out perfect every time? What is your experience baking for local people where you live? Do they have different tastes?

When You're in a Spiritual Funk

Do you ever get in a spiritual funk? You feel dry spiritually, your prayers seem to bounce off the ceiling and God seems far away? You might be going through the motions of attending church and reading your Bible, but it seems like you get nothing out of it.

Still enjoying spring in Izmir

I’ve been there. In 2007 I began the year with a special prayer asking God to teach me more about joy, but I ended up struggling with depression instead!  For the first time in my adult life I felt depressed without understanding why. My husband and I went through a difficult time struggling with whether or not to stay in Turkey, but my discouragement went deeper than that.

I was too distracted by negative thoughts to get much out of Bible reading. Long passages overwhelmed me, but I could focus on a simple Psalm, so I went back to the book of Psalms. I memorized Psalm 23 and repeated it over and over to myself: “The Lord is my Shepherd. I lack nothing.  He makes me lie down in green pastures.  He leads me beside quiet waters. He restores my soul…”  Even though I didn’t feel any different, I kept asking God to renew my joy and I kept quoting Psalm 23. After about 6 months my depression lifted as mysteriously as it had come. Psalm 23 stayed with me though; to this day it is my “go-to” passage when I need an extra dose of God’s tender loving care.

Daily Time with God

What has kept me spiritually thriving for 12 years in a Mslm country is spending daily time with God. Nothing else encourages me, renews my perspective, or gives me strength and peace like sitting quietly with God to read His word and pray. Even so, sometimes I get into a spiritual funk, and trying new things in my quiet time helps get me out of it.

Ideas to Revive Your Quiet Time

Go back to simple truths: God loves you, and you can trust Him.

Meditate and read scriptures on God’s love.

Read Psalms for a few days.

Sit quietly in God’s presence without doing anything.  Just enjoy being with Him.

Sing a few simple worship songs.

Focus on listening. What might God want to say to you?

If you need guidance, ask God a question and write down whatever impressions come to mind.

Keep a gratitude journal.

Jot down prayer requests and keep track of answers.

Read a Bible story and imagine you’re one of the people in it.

Get outside to connect with God.

Try a new Bible study method. (I’ve enjoyed Good Morning Girls' SOAP method)

Memorize a passage you like.

Write out a one or two line prayer to take with you into your day.

Try a devotional guide (I like Word for Today)

These are just a few ideas for adding variety to our quiet times.  Do you have any suggestions? I need all the help I can get!

One Thing You Need to Survive Overseas

My hair was standing on end, I had no makeup on, and I was dressed in ragged jeans, an old sweater and a bare face with no makeup when the doorbell rang. I was feverishly trying to finish cooking for our house church, so I could go get dressed.

“It must be one of my daughter’s friends,” I thought.  “I’ll let her answer it. “ But when the doorbell kept ringing, I went to the door.  It was Nesrin, a woman I’d invited to visit our fellowship for the first time.  One and a half hours early.

I breathed in deep before I opened the door.  The last thing I needed was a guest one and a half hours early. I was already a bit nervous because we’d accidentally scheduled a skype interview with someone back home for the same hour as our meeting.