My hair was standing on end, I had no makeup on, and
I was dressed in ragged jeans, an old sweater and a bare face with no makeup
when the doorbell rang. I was feverishly trying to finish cooking for our house
church, so I could go get dressed.
“It must be one of my daughter’s friends,” I
thought. “I’ll let her answer it. “ But
when the doorbell kept ringing, I went to the door. It was Nesrin, a woman I’d invited to visit
our fellowship for the first time. One
and a half hours early.
I breathed in deep before I opened the door. The last thing I needed was a guest one and a
half hours early. I was already a bit nervous because we’d accidentally
scheduled a skype interview with someone back home for the same hour as our
meeting.
December can turn into a treadmill of activities
that leave your mind and heart too numbed to hear the words of the angel in
Luke: “I bring you good news of great joy that will be for all the people.”
The
first week of December we had out of town visitors, our weekly English club, and
went to a Christmas worship event. I had guests for dinner, and hosted a Women’s
Christmas party at my house.All were
wonderful, blessed events, but I breathed a sigh of relief last Sunday and
looked forward to a quieter, more restful week.
The cross-cultural life is an adventure, but it’s not always comfortable. You never quite fit in. Things are always changing. When you’re in your foreign country, it takes years to learn the culture and language and make friends. You miss home.
Then you visit home and feel out of place. You don’t even know how to push the buttons in an elevator. This happened to me the other day. In an airport elevator, I pushed what I thought was the second floor button, but nothing happened. I pushed it several times before realizing that I was actually pushing a label. The button was the RAISED KNOB next to the second floor label, so I tried pushing it quickly and hoped the man standing next to me hadn’t noticed! Every time I come home, I forget how to work the little machines at cash registers that take your credit and debit cards. It feels like learning to walk all over again.
Do you ever feel like everything happens at once? Last weekend I had two different sets of houseguests: friends from another city in Turkey who came to speak at our team retreat and friends from out of country who stayed in our home while we were away. In between packing and leaving for our retreat, the weekend included making a birthday cake and hosting a quick celebration, preparing a few meals for different guests, and stripping the beds twice to change sheets.
I was honestly happy to see dear friends and open my home to them, but rather than being motivated by genuine love and hospitality, I felt harried and stressed. I was in a “Let’s Get Through This” mode.
At the retreat, God’s voice broke through to me loud and clear:
I have a confession to make. I can’t wait for December to be over! Whew! I said it. Is that a terrible thing to say or what?
I’m carrying around a mile long Christmas to-do list in my mind. I haven’t organized myself enough to sit and write it down, but it looks like getting ready for Christmas could be a full time job.
Together with two other families, we will host a Christmas celebration on December 25th in our home for Chrstn and Mslm friends. We plan to have food, games, and a short Christmas program of carols, a dramatic reading of the Christmas story, and a brief message. This week my husband and I will deliver invitations to friends, a team mate and I will meet to finish planning the celebration, my son and I will rehearse music, and our family will prepare an enactment of the Christmas story! Of course I can’t forget shopping and food preparation. Sound familiar to any of you out there?
I’m excited and joyful over this opportunity to serve, but I’m also hoping I won’t be stressed out over having 30-40 people in my living room. And I don't want to be so busy taking advantage of Christmas as an opportunity to share Christ that I neglect to celebrate it with my own family and make it special for them.
Wake Up Call The booming drum beat woke my husband and me at 4 a.m. on Monday, a reminder that it was the first day of Ramadan. As I lay trying not to wake up, I heard the lonely drummer walk up one side of our block and down the other, the beating drum growing fainter and then louder again as he turned the corner. If I’d gotten out of bed, I would have seen kitchen lights flicker on in the darkness.
Fast
For us the 4:00 a.m. drummer is a minor nuisance, interrupting our sleep. For our neighbors who are fasting, it is a call to action. Women rise to prepare the pre-dawn meal and everyone drinks as much water and tea as possible before 6 a.m. to be able to make it through the day until the evening prayer call at 8:30, which signals the end to the fast.
Fasting from food and water is quite hard, if not dangerous, during the cruelly hot and long August days. Housewives and retirees tend to sleep a bit more during the day, but many working people keep to their regular schedule, despite the sleep deprivation caused by getting up at 4 in the morning.
Festivity
It’s a month of hardship but also revelry; the 8:30 iftar is a festive meal. Special dishes are prepared; dried fruits and baklava are eaten. Grocery stores set up Ramadan displays stocked with dates and ingredients for Turkish sweets. Television commercials feature special products. Restaurants offer iftar menus. Some people actually gain weight during this month of fasting.
This month is a tangible reminder of the pervasive presence of Islam. Amazingly many people who do not practice their faith during the rest of the year make it a point to fast during this special month. People spend more time praying and reading the Koran. It’s a special time for giving to the poor.
How my life changes
Many fellow ex-pats don’t like this month. Some say that they sense heightened spiritual darkness and oppression. By 5 o’clock in the afternoon tempers flare in the markets, on the streets, and on the buses. Caffeine and nicotine withdrawal has got to be hard for this nation of tea drinkers and smokers.
Here’s how Ramadan affects me. I try to:
1. Lay low and rest a bit from visiting friends during the day. Many of them are fasting, but if I go visit them,
they will insist on offering me food or drink.
2. Look at it as a time to focus on praying for our friends.
3. Be aware of spiritual influences. I don’t like to look for the devil under every rock when things go wrong, but I remember James 4:7. "Submit yourselves, then, to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you."
4. Thank God again for my salvation.
5. Crank up the music and worship Him!
6. Look at Ramadan as special opportunity for dialogue with friends. It’s easy to bring up spiritual topics right now.
7. Be careful about eating and drinking in public. Many locals don’t fast, and it’s not illegal here to eat and drink on the street, but I want to be respectful. This means we don’t eat family meals on the balcony any more.
T i This is a picture for you of the most overriding current event going in my corner of the world. It will continue until August 29th. Would you consider joining us to pray for a special touch for these dear people who represent 1/5 of the world’s population?
I did it again. I broke a cardinal rule of Turkish hospitality: “Never, ever suggest to a guest that it’s time to leave.” How embarrassing. After 10 years here, I still break the rules, and it leaves me feeling like an Inept, Insensitive Foreigner.
Stand up my Husband or Kick my Guest out?
My friend Zühalwas coming for breakfast between 9:30 and 10:00 a.m., so it never occurred to me that I wouldn’t have enough time to make it to a 2:00 p.m. prayer meeting. At 10:30 the breakfast table was set with eggs, tomatoes, cucumbers, olives, cheese, and bread, but no Zühal! I began to feel uneasy. By the time she arrived at 11:00, I knew I had once again overscheduled myself. Apologizing profusely for being late, she walked in the door with a huge, well stocked tote bag, and her daughter announced, “We’re going to stay here with you until it’s time for swimming class.”
During our breakfast I was torn. Should I skip the prayer meeting to stay with my guests? That’s what any Turk would do. My husband, however, would expect me to make the prayer meeting a priority.
In the end, I let her know I had to go. I wondered if she connected the fact that she’d been an hour late with our time together being cut short. I doubted it. I made a mental note to allow 5 or 6 hours in my schedule when I want to invite her over: one hour for her to be late and four hours for our visit.
Classic Turkish Moment
(How I learned to cook for a crowd even when expecting two guests.)
My blunder with Zühal reminded me of one of my Classic Turkish Moments, during a two year stint in Istanbul 20 years ago: It was 8 o’clock, and my 7 o’clock dinner guests, Nesrin and her mother, hadn’t arrived. I stirred the spaghetti sauce, tossed the salad one more time and called to see what had happened.
“Taner just got home,” Nesrin said. “He has to take a shower, so we’ll be late.”
“All right, I said. “See you in a little while then.” But inside my mind was spinning. Taner? Why would Taner come? I’d invited Nesrin and her mother. As I hung up the phone, a light dawned. Nesrin had invited her brother and his family as well.
I made a mental adjustment. Okay, instead of 2 guests, we’ll have 5. I can do that. I opened the fridge, scouted for more ingredients and realized there was no way to make more spaghetti sauce. I got out more salad fixings, found an extra bag of pasta, and put more water on to boil.
They arrived at 9:15, 2 hours and fifteen minutes late. Nine people came through the door taking off their shoes as my roommate and I kissed and welcomed each one. Nesrin not only brought her brother and his family, but also her aunt, uncle and cousin. Now the dinner that I had cooked for two guests was looking very small indeed. As 10 of us gathered around the small dish of spaghetti sauce at the table, I didn’t know whether to laugh or cry.
This happened 20 years ago, but things haven’t changed.
I still meet with surprises and sometimes feel like I don’t quite measure up. Do things like this ever happen to you where you live? How do you handle it? All I can do is accept that fact that I’ll probably never be the perfect Turkish hostess! I’ll write more on that next week.
This week I had a quiet panic attack when I realized I’d left my residence permit --the one that costs $60 along with the $600 application fee-- at my daughter’s skating center. I kept it quiet because I was desperately hoping to retrieve it before my dear husband found out! Praying and holding my breath all the way, I raced to the center in the car with my two kids. I must have been uptight because as we walked into the building I accidentally dropped my glasses right in my daughter’s path. I let out an involuntary scream, “Don’t walk on my glasses!” She pretended not to know me.
Fortunately the trusty handy man had found and locked up my residence permit for safekeeping. After I picked it up, I went into the parking lot and tried to get into someone else’s car.
“Uh, Mom,” my son said. “That’s not our car.” That had been why my key wasn’t working.
Next we drove to the pet shop. After making my purchase I walked out of the store and left my credit card on the counter.
The shop keeper came out running. “Ma’am, don’t forget your card!”
I thought, “Hmm, am I seeing a pattern here?” That’s when I started laughing. All the way back home, I turned up the music, and my kids and I laughed about my mishaps.
One of my goals is to be a more joyful person even when life’s glitches come up. Sometimes it helps just to stop and laugh at myself. On challenging days I try to take a deep breath and tell myself, “This is the day that the Lord has made. I will rejoice and be glad in it.” (Psalm 118:24)
For me joy is not just extra frosting on the cake of life. It is crucial to a fulfilling life. Joy gives me strength. Joy gives me a new lens on life, but it’s not just something that happens to me when all of my problems are solved and everything works out okay. It doesn’t always fall into my lap.
Joy is something I can cultivate.Here are ways I seek to do that:
Enjoy God
One of my favorite Bible verses is Psalm 16: “In your presence there is fullness of joy.” This reminds me that no matter what happens, I can take joy in God’s presence with me and in his love for me.
Enjoy Life
Let’s face it. A lot of life is pretty ho-hum. Sometimes it’s difficult. I pray often, “God, help me to enjoy the life you’re giving me today.” I want to embrace my life today, and try to enjoy even the simple, mundane tasks. I want to savor simple pleasures like conversations around the dinner table.
Laugh and smile as much as I can
It’s amazing how smiling can change my attitude on a bad day.
Make room in my life for things I enjoy
Here is a list of practical things I can do to increase the level of joy in my life.
Walk in the park.
Call a friend on the phone.
Plant flowers on my balcony.
Reach out to someone who may need encouragement.
Make time for friends.
Talk to my kids or my husband about what interests them.
Drink Turkish coffee with my neighbors.
Cook some slow food.
Read a good book.
What do you enjoy doing? How do you seek to keep a positive attitude?
Do you ever feel like you’re juggling? I do. Home school, Ministry, Caring for my family, and Outreach. How to keep all of the balls going?
Last week I had a particularly intense week. A team of 10 young people visited our city. Three of them stayed with us, and we planned several outreach activities with the group. The day before the team arrived, we hosted the closing of our home school speech club for five families. During the team’s stay, I hosted another meeting for Latin workers in our city. All week long while young people came in and out of my house, I tried to carry on homeschooling as usual.
The week went well but ended on a crisis note. An extra person stayed at our house on their last night. In the morning our guests got up, ate breakfast and were finishing last minute packing when the team leader got an emergency call. One of the boys had collapsed at his hotel near our home. The leader rushed to the hotel and called an ambulance. My husband drove to the hospital. I focused on keeping the kids on track with school while trying to encourage team members on the side. Two hours later we learned that the young man had a kidney stone, and I realized that five people would be staying one more night.
On one hand I enjoyed having a great group of young people in my home and getting to know them, but on the other hand it was a challenging week. Somehow God gave me supernatural grace and strength for each day. Here are some life management skills I tried to remember along the way:
One step at a time
I mentally prepared myself not to think about the next day’s activities in advance. I enjoyed my speech club closing without worrying about how I was going to clean my house for three guests who would arrive the next day. The following day I took care of everything as best I could. Over planning adds stress.
Let go of control
I have strong leadership tendencies. (Ask my poor husband!) But this week I let others take charge of things rather than striving to do everything myself. A few times my husband handled things with the team differently than I would have. Rather than stepping in to get things done the way I wanted, I focused on keeping our home school and family running while supporting him and the team as best I could.
Stay positive
When things turn out differently than I hope, I have a tendency to fret and fume. One evening at 9:30 we learned that the plan we had for the team the following day had fallen through. Another day our plans for street outreach were foiled by rain. Fretting and fuming gets me nowhere. I tried to stay positive.
Let go of perfectionism
The floor didn’t get mopped every day, I wasn’t focused on home school one hundred percent, but I tried to relax and do what I could.
Be flexible.
The ultimate flexibility test came when I was secretly feeling relieved that our dear guests would be leaving, and I found out they’d be staying an extra night instead. At times like that you take a deep breath and roll with the punches.
Remembering these strategies helped me not get overwhelmed (most of the time) and they probably made life easier for those around me as well!
What are your life management strategies for busy weeks?
You know the saying, “It never rains; it pours.” The last few weeks life has been one thing on top of another. My husband returned from two weeks of doctoral study abroad, and we needed time to reconnect. Both of my children had extra-curricular activities that required my involvement: debate and ice skating! My Turkish sister had an important life event, and I wanted to support her. Two friends had birthdays. I’ve had lots of family business to attend to besides the daily responsibilities of home school and putting food on the table.
Add to the equation an out of town guest whom we were privileged to host for a week, a pastor’s group in for two days from Latin America, and a couple who was in town for one day, and you have one basket case woman! Is your life ever like this?
Of course caring for my family and friends is an important part of my ministry, but I began to feel frustrated about having little time for my other calling: reaching out to share God’s love with M. friends. So I complained, “God, I’m so busy with family. How can you expect me to reach out to others? I keep thinking I’ll have more time soon, but that convenient time never comes!”
But God reminded me of the power of small steps. Instead of waiting for my schedule to magically clear up, so I’ll have time to reach out to people, I’d better ask the Lord, “What baby steps can I take to fulfill my vision now?”
So I prayed and God showed me three baby steps for the first week:
I called a few friends.
I made two cards with scripture I wanted to share with non-Christian friends.
I stopped by a friend’s workplace for ten minutes.
The second week I took another baby step. I stopped to see my friend Nalan, whose son was dying of a rare genetic disease. I read John 11 (I am the resurrection and the life.) to her. We sat together at her son’s bedside, and I prayed for her, not knowing Emre would die a few days later.
My husband and I are discovering the power of a brief visit. Last Sunday we made three:
We took a birthday cake to Ali and Damla, Christian friends who are in a busy season at their dry cleaning business and must work on Sundays. They were busy ironing shirts when we arrived, but Damla's face broke into a smile when she saw her candle lit cake. We pulled plastic plates and napkins out of a bag and spent a half hour talking, laughing, and eating cake.
Next we visited Nalan and Ahmet. Knowing that they’ve been inundated with visitors after Emre’s funeral, we didn’t stay long. Just long enough to talk quietly and let them know we care about their grief.
Last we visited Ibrahim and Neriman, whose son is leaving this week for his 1 year military service. This is a significant event for Turkish families, who worry about their young men being sent out East, where there are constant skirmishes between separatist Kurds and the army. We drank coffee with them, and before leaving, we read Joshua 1:9 (Be strong and courageous!) to the young man and prayed for him. The whole family expressly thanked us for our prayer as we left.
How does God work through these baby steps? I'll leave that to Him. My part is to be faithful to complete the small tasks He gives me.
What baby steps can you take right now towards fulfilling your vision?
Have you ever planned something that just didn’t turn out as you’d hoped?
I thought I had a great plan for myself during my husband’s two and a half week trip out of the country. I knew I’d miss Jose, but I was almost looking forward to a little extra freedom to plan life on my own for two weeks. During his absence I planned to visit a few women friends that I’m seeking to share God’s love with. I would use the time alone in the evenings after the kids were in bed for working on a writing project, and I hoped to spend time with a few girlfriends I haven’t seen recently.
My plans came to a halt when I woke up with the flu the morning I had to take Jose to the airport. After he left, I struggled through the days trying to accomplish the bare minimum of keeping house, cooking, homeschooling and driving the kids to their extra-curricular activities despite feeling lousy. On week two a hacking cough set in. How could this be happening? I hadn’t been this sick in years. I felt overwhelmed by responsibilities and frustrated that I couldn’t make the visits I’d planned.
I was forced to rest. Sick in bed, I realized again my own human frailty and weakness. God reminded me that I’m not superwoman. Of course he’s taught me this before, but I guess I’m a slow learner. I had time to think about several things:
I am dependent on God’s grace.
Being sick reminded me that I am not as capable or strong as I think I am. I can do nothing without God’s power and grace. I kept remembering Paul’s words in 2 Cor. 12:9: “But he said to me, ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.’ Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.” That was good news because I was definitely feeling weak.
God doesn’t need me to accomplish his work.
I felt frustrated about not being able to visit the m friends I’ve been praying for and want to reach out to. My husband and I have a vision for cp., and I had looked forward to continuing our ministry of sowing seeds while he was gone. So I was discouraged until I finally had a fresh realization: God’s work is not dependent on what I can do in two weeks while my husband is out of town! He will still bring people to himself even if I have to take things easy for two weeks. This is a no brainer. I was even able to laugh over how seriously I’d been taking myself.
I can let go and trust Him.
When I was able to let go and accept that God’s plan for the time during my husband’s absence was different than mine, I ended up with extra time to focus on my relationship with the Him. I couldn’t meet friends and do many activities, but I spent some extra minutes with Jesus when I could, did a bit of reading, and enjoyed time with my kids. Last month, I’d been feeling the need to be refilled, and perhaps God allowed this because it was the only way to get me to slow down.
I’ve decided once more that I don’t want to be superwoman. I just want Christ’s power to rest on me.
How about you? Has anything happened to you lately that reminded you you’re not superhuman?
Do you ever feel overwhelmed by life? Like you’re racing down the fast lane? Sometimes life seems to speed up on its own.
Here’s what fast lane life looks like for me: One Sunday after breakfast with our weekend guest, my husband took my daughter to skating lessons while I cooked for our 12:00 house church meeting. I was just about to jump in the shower at 10:30 when the doorbell rang. Out of town visitors had arrived one and a half hours early. I was in my pajamas.
I ran down the hall to my son’s room. “Andres!" I said, “Open the door for them! I’ve got to take a shower!”
I raced into the bathroom, locked the door and somehow emerged 15 minutes later with clothes and makeup on. I made tea and talked with our guests until my husband returned. Other friends arrived at 12:00, and we had a great meeting. Afterwards I served soup and snacks and made tea. Everyone left by 4:30, just in time for me to make tea a third time for a couple who came at 5 for marriage counseling with my husband and me. After two hours of marriage counseling, my brain was fried, but my children, who had hadn’t had quality time with us all day, wanted to talk!
Overwhelmed
The fast lane is that state of mind when we are racing from one thing to the next, wondering how we can make everything fit in to our overloaded schedules.
Last week I was feeling overwhelmed by life and ministry. We believe God has called us to church planting, which involves visiting people, making new friends, and seeking to share the gospel. Only I still have a real life too. I home school two kids, juggle extra-curricular activities and run a weekly speech club. Of course I have to cook, clean, do laundry and get myself to the grocery store. I went to bed one night thinking, “How on earth can I do all of this and still find time to work on church planting?”
One Thing
I woke up early the next morning with the same thoughts and shuffled into the kitchen to make coffee. I sat down with my Bible. A familiar verse struck my eye:
One thing I ask of the Lord,
This is what I seek:
That I may dwell in the house of the Lord
All the days of my life,
To gaze upon the beauty of the Lord
And to seek him in his temple.
Psalm 27:4
As I thought about these verses, my anxiety began to melt away. I sat quietly in God’s presence and sensed His Spirit touching me. Slowly, peace filled my heart and mind. Everything came into focus. Life was not as complicated as I made it.
I don’t have to figure out how to fit everything into my day. All I have to do is make my relationship with God my first priority. He will order my life according to His plans as I seek Him first. I can trust that He will guide my steps as I walk through each day, living in His presence. If I seek God first, everything else, home schooling and church planting, will fall into place. That morning God transformed my thinking in just 20 minutes, and I had new peace and courage.
Of course it’s easy to forget this on those fast lane days when life spins out of control, but I know where I can go for an attitude adjustment.
When you first move overseas you’re less competent than most children in your host country. You can’t speak the language right. You don’t know how things work or where anything is. You lack the know-how to get simple jobs done. You can’t even cook a meal that people will like. (See my last post.) Living cross culturally puts you in a humbling position of weakness.
Occasions to be Humbled
Living in Turkey for 10 years, I’ve had many occasions to be humbled. Here are a few:
• One day in the kitchen years ago my “Turkish mother” showed me the right way to chop a bell pepper. The way I was doing it was wrong. I smiled and silently began chopping the pepper her way, but I was fuming inside. Why does it matter how I chop this pepper? What’s with her? I wish I were more mature.
• Another time at a Bible study group, I handed out the new songbooks I’d had made. We took an offering to help pay for the books, and one of the members announced to the group, “We shouldn’t ask foreigners to do jobs like this. Betsy got ripped off.”
• One night at my folk dancing class our group finally mastered a difficult new dance step. I smiled to the woman next to me and said, “I think we’re finally getting it.” She repeated, “I think we’re finally getting it” in an exaggerated American accent. Ouch.
• Later that same evening, an American friend Brenda and I were talking with a group, and several women laughed and made fun of Brenda’s accent. She turned as red as a beet! I didn’t care so much about one person imitating me, but I was upset by a group making fun of poor Brenda! As we left dance class I thought, “We really do not need this. We give up everything to come and serve the Lord here, and what do we get? People making fun of our accent!”
Why do situations like these bother me? They hurt my pride. Being taught to chop a bell pepper when you’re 28 can be humbling. Being told you got ripped off is humbling. Being teased in front of others is humbling. My pride rebels, and I have two natural reactions:
1. To justify myself. I KNOW how to cut a bell pepper. Or I don’t deserve this treatment.
2. To compare my country to Turkey. In America people would never make fun of a foreigner’s accent. Yeah, right. Think again.
Chances to Grow
In reality, these situations are small chances to grow, but I have to choose my attitude. I can cling to my wounded pride and become resentful. Or, even though it goes against everything inside of me, I can choose to adopt the same attitude Jesus had. “He made himself nothing,…He humbled himself.” (Phil. 2:7a,8) Jesus wouldn’t take it personally if someone made fun of his accent. He would just smile and keep loving that person.
His Word reminds me, “Clothe your selves with humility toward one another because God opposes the proud but gives grace to the humble.” (1 Peter 5:5) Okay, Lord, I ask you for grace. The next time I’m reminded that I’m a foreigner, help me to thank you for the chance to embrace humility. Help me to have the same attitude Jesus would.
Any comments?
Check back next week when I'll share “What I Can Learn From Turks.”
