Taking Hospitality with a Grain of Salt

Blessed is the man who can laugh at himself, for he will never cease to be amused. 

This proverb is one of my favorites. It reminds me not to take myself so seriously.

Last week I wrote about hospitality mishaps, and this reminds me to take things that go wrong with a grain of salt.

Being able to laugh at myself certainly helped me during a recent catastrophe. My husband and I had guests, and when I stood up to re-fill the tea glasses, the slip I was wearing under my skirt mysteriously slid down in perfect ring around my feet!  I won't go into that story now, but I'm pretty sure it broke the norms of hospitality in any country, not just here in Turkey. (I still can’t believe that really happened.)

On a more serious note, one thing I appreciate about living here is the chance it gives me to learn more about hospitality. Turks are some of the most generous and gracious hosts I've ever seen. Hospitality is a virtue and an art, whether it's a casual visit over Turkish coffee and a piece of chocolate or a dinner with 10 different dishes. I've learned a lot about how to receive guests in my home, but honestly I sometimes feel pressured to somehow live up to Turkish standards, and If I compare myself to them, I'll always fall short!

Here are some helpful lessons I’ve learned:

• Relax and be yourself

I'll never be the Perfect Turkish Hostess (P.T.H.), and that is okay!  Instead I try to relax in and be who I am. The P.T.H. is elegantly dressed and serves delectable treats while she chats effortlessly with guests. She probably only exists in my head. I'm much better at being myself than at striving to put on a show of elaborate hospitality that just leaves me feeling stressed.

• Keep it simple

Sometimes it feels like I’m forever in the kitchen preparing food for meetings or for guests.  This is a warning that I’m striving too hard to be a P.T.H., and I’d better simplify things instead. I've seen Turks get out a simple assortment of nuts, fruits and bought cookies for visitors. That’s a lot easier than baking a cake.

• Focus on your Guests

I can't prepare a 10 course meal and be happy and relaxed when my guests arrive. What I can do is a salad, main dish, rice and maybe a vegetable or soup. If I keep things simple, I'm more relaxed and able to actually enjoy time with friends.  

•  Find a Middle Ground

I want to be cross-culturally relevant, so that Turks can relate to me. I try to do some things their way. I can kiss my guests, offer slippers, pass around lemon cologne (if I remember) and make Turkish coffee. But on the inside, I’m still American, and I need to be myself as well. For example, a few weeks ago, I had to gently explain to a guest that I needed to leave, something that a P.T.H. would try to avoid. I find that most of my Turkish friends are extremely understanding and kind when I do things differently.

• Laugh at yourself when things don't go as planned

During the Classic Turkish Moment I wrote about last week, when I found myself serving a dinner I’d made for 4 to 9 people instead, I laughed.  What else could I do? Keeping my sense of humor helps me to continue enjoying cross-cultural life and time with my friends.

After all, isn't enjoyment what gracious hospitality is all about?

Still breaking the rules after 10 years!

I did it again. I broke a cardinal rule of Turkish hospitality: “Never, ever suggest to a guest that it’s time to leave.” How embarrassing. After 10 years here, I still break the rules, and it leaves me feeling like an Inept, Insensitive Foreigner.

Stand up my Husband or Kick my Guest out?

My friend Zühal was coming for breakfast between 9:30 and 10:00 a.m., so it never occurred to me that I wouldn’t have enough time to make it to a 2:00 p.m. prayer meeting. At 10:30 the breakfast table was set with eggs, tomatoes, cucumbers, olives, cheese, and bread, but no Zühal! I began to feel uneasy. By the time she arrived at 11:00, I knew I had once again overscheduled myself.  Apologizing profusely for being late, she walked in the door with a huge, well stocked tote bag, and her daughter announced, “We’re going to stay here with you until it’s time for swimming class.”

During our breakfast I was torn.  Should I skip the prayer meeting to stay with my guests?  That’s what any Turk would do.  My husband, however, would expect me to make the prayer meeting a priority. 

In the end, I let her know I had to go. I wondered if she connected the fact that she’d been an hour late with our time together being cut short.  I doubted it.  I made a mental note to allow 5 or 6 hours in my schedule when I want to invite her over: one hour for her to be late and four hours for our visit.

Classic Turkish Moment

(How I learned to cook for a crowd even when expecting two guests.)

My blunder with Zühal reminded me of one of my Classic Turkish Moments, during a two year stint in Istanbul 20 years ago:  It was 8 o’clock, and my 7 o’clock dinner guests, Nesrin and her mother, hadn’t arrived.  I stirred the spaghetti sauce, tossed the salad one more time and called to see what had happened. 

“Taner just got home,” Nesrin said. “He has to take a shower, so we’ll be late.”

“All right, I said.  “See you in a little while then.” But inside my mind was spinning. Taner? Why would Taner come?  I’d invited Nesrin and her mother. As I hung up the phone, a light dawned.  Nesrin had invited her brother and his family as well.

I made a mental adjustment.  Okay, instead of 2 guests, we’ll have 5.  I can do that. I opened the fridge, scouted for more ingredients and realized there was no way to make more spaghetti sauce. I got out more salad fixings, found an extra bag of pasta, and put more water on to boil.

They arrived at 9:15, 2 hours and fifteen minutes late.  Nine people came through the door taking off their shoes as my roommate and I kissed and welcomed each one. Nesrin not only brought her brother and his family, but also her aunt, uncle and cousin.  Now the dinner that I had cooked for two guests was looking very small indeed.  As 10 of us gathered around the small dish of spaghetti sauce at the table, I didn’t know whether to laugh or cry.

This happened 20 years ago, but things haven’t changed. 

I still meet with surprises and sometimes feel like I don’t quite measure up. Do things like this ever happen to you where you live?  How do you handle it? All I can do is accept that fact that I’ll probably never be the perfect Turkish hostess!  I’ll write more on that next week.

Cooking Bloopers and a Taste of Turkey

I had my share of cooking bloopers in my early days in Izmir.  (I still have them as a matter of fact.) The lasagna fiasco stands out in my memory as a time when I tried serving American food to Turks and could tell they didn't like it. Thinking therefore that I should adapt to their culture and serve them food they were used to, I tried to cook Turkish food. Only it flopped, and when you cook Turkish food for Americans, they can’t even tell if it turns out right, but my Turkish friends could tell, like the time my lentil balls (mercimek köftesi) were so soggy that they flattened out on the plate into one mass of goop.

My quest to learn some Turkish cooking began in earnest one Christmas when I wanted to host a party and realized, to my horror and shame, that I didn’t know how to make one main dish after living here three years!  In my defense, learning to cook a la turca is not easy because people don’t use recipes or exact measurements.  If you ask someone how to make something, instead of giving you a recipe, they’ll want you to come over so you can watch them and work on it together.  Everything is a pinch of this a pinch of that.

Still Learning

Turkish cooking is a work in progress for me.  I’m still learning.  For example,  I only make stuffed grape leaves two or three times a year, not often enough to remember how, so that the rice inside my dolma is either soggy and gloopy or dry and crunchy.  Not sure which one is worse.

This book has been a lifesaver for me. There may be others, but it's the only Turkish cookbook I've ever seen that uses accurate measurements and tested recipes.

My Favorite Turkish Cookbook

What about you?

Part of the joy of cooking is discovering new tastes, using new ingredients and combinations. If you live overseas, what is your experience with local cooking? Any cooking bloopers? What is your favorite local dish?  If you live in your home country, what is your favorite ethnic food?  (Scroll down to leave a comment after the recipes.)


I thought I’d share a few tastes of Turkey with you:


Zeytinyağlı Fasulye 
Green Beans in Olive Oil (My favorite summer dish)

1 ½ pounds of green beans, strung and chopped.

1 chopped onion

4-5 cloves garlic minced

1 tsp. salt

1 tsp sugar

¼ cup olive oil

2-3 grated or food processed fresh tomatos**

1 ½ cups water

Place the green beans in a wide mouthed, lidded pot.  Add the onion, garlic and tomato pulp raw.  Drizzle with the olive oil, add the salt, sugar, and water. Bring to a boil on high until the green beans turn bright green.  At this point, lower the heat and simmer 20 to 30 minutes. (Greenbeans in the US are more tender and should require only 15-20 minutes cooking.) Serve at room temperature as a side dish.

**Cut a tomato in half, then press the cut side to a grater and grate, until you are left with the peel in your hand.  I find this easier than peeling tomatos and dragging out my food processor. An alternative would be to 
food process the tomatoes with the peels, but don’t serve it to Turks that way!




Kısır 
Cracked Wheat Salad

1 cup fine grain bulgur wheat
1 cup boiling water

2 TBSP olive oil

1 small chopped onion

3-4 cloves minced garlic

3/4 tsp. cumin

3/4 tsp. paprika

1 tsp. salt

2 TBSP tomato paste

1/3 cup chopped parsley

2 cucumbers

2 tomatoes

3-4 dill pickles
1 large red or green pepper

3 TSPN olive oil

Juice of half a lemon

1.      Heat the oil in a medium saucepan, add the bulgur and onion and stir it until the bulgur begins to brown slightly.  At this point, add the garlic and seasonings.  Continue stirring a minute; add the tomato paste and stir one more minute.  Add the water, stir and cover. Let sit one hour. Chop the vegetables
.

2.      When the bulgur is cool, fluff it with a spoon and add it with the chopped vegetables and pickes to a salad bowl.  Toss with olive oil and lemon, add more salt to taste and serve.

Any comments about your cross-cultural cooking experiments?

Called Overseas to Cook and Clean?

When God called me overseas, I had no idea how much time I’d spend cooking, cleaning, home schooling, playing games, and driving kids to sports practice. Just as if I were still back home in America. I even asked myself, “Why am I here, anyway? I can mop floors and teach reading back home.”

I had no idea that when I led a women’s study group, I’d feel bad about leaving my kids home with my husband, and when I spent days on end caring for a sick child without leaving the house, I’d feel vaguely guilty for neglecting my “ministry” responsibilities.

Years ago I asked a more experienced woman, “How do you manage to have a ministry outside of your home?”

Her answer flabbergasted me.

She said simply, “I tried that once, and it didn’t work for me.”

I’ve been chuckling over it ever since. Her open, honest attitude somehow freed me to be myself and find my own way.

Mothers Serving Overseas Come in all Shapes:

I’ve seen that women servants come in all different colors of the rainbow. Some are basically “working” mothers, hiring childcare or sending kids to local daycare or school while they serve or study the language. Others choose to center their lives more closely around their homes and children.

Find the Balance that Feels Right for You:

I’m probably somewhere in the middle, which means I burn the candle at both ends! I enjoy homeschooling and caring for my family, but my heart yearns for more than just “staying at home.” So making my home a center of hospitality has worked for me. I also visit women friends when I can.

Let Go of Guilt

I tend to compare myself with other women who seem to have a higher level of involvement. This is dangerous because inevitably I then feel guilty over not doing more. But I’m learning to relax in who God is calling me to be and also to give this freedom to others, who may not share my views.

Comments From Other Women Servants:

Last week I asked other women for their views on ministry inside and outside of their homes. Here is what they said:

• “Part of loving my family...is teaching them…how to love others outside of our circle.”
• “My family is my first ‘ministry.’ Any ‘ministry’ work that happens outside the home is just icing on the cake.”
• “Since the kids were 6 mo. old, we've had roughly 15-25 hrs/week of childcare for them.”
• “Considering the difficulties our kids go through to adjust to the new cultures, we need to give them the appropriate mother time. Actually, I find Turks very family oriented…As much as possible, I liked to do ministry that included my children. So often the children when they were young were the catalyst to relationships with other Turkish mothers.”
• “Knowing myself, I will always work more than I should…The Lord has given me kids to slow me down, to disciple me, and to teach me that my value doesn't come from my productivity... 
• “Balancing family vs. ministry isn't possible. Once things are "balanced", someone inevitably gets sick, a situation or crises arises in the work, or some other thing comes up. When we view family as ministry, you can move your fulcrum to one end or the other as needs arise. ..  
• “Perhaps our most lasting and important gift that we give to our Turkish friends, is the model of a family that is submitted to Christ and trying to make him central.”

• “While I had children at home, my strategy was to make home my primary place for outreach, discipleship and showing hospitality. Serving my husband and kids was my primary ministry, and they supported and helped me in reaching out and serving others too.”

I was encouraged by their wisdom. What are your views?

Gratitude in the Midst of Nitty Gritty Life

I haven’t been able to get my hands on a copy of Ann Voskamp’s book, One Thousand Gifts: A Dare to Live Fully Right Where You Are, but the title alone intrigues me, and the book pops up everywhere I look on the internet. Plopped down in a city of 4 million Muslims, I am worlds away from Ann’s Mennonite farming country, but her One Thousand Gifts website has touched me with its message of gratefulness and wonder over God’s gifts.

Petty complaints and giant obstacles

To be honest, when life gets tough and things go wrong, my tendency is to complain, worry, or feel sorry for myself. I love the unique cross-cultural life and ministry God has given us, but it’s easy to get bogged down if I focus on daily frustrations like:

• No central air conditioning with summer temperatures of 40 Celsius
• Equipment and furniture that break frequently due to a lack of quality control
• Trying to organize my time among people who do not plan
• Occasional water, electricity, phone and internet cuts

These are petty complaints I’m almost ashamed to mention, but the greatest challenge is slow work that often seems like three steps forward and two steps back in a hard land.  Response to our message of hope is slow.

I don’t want to miss out on God’s gifts

Even though we face obstacles, I don’t want to miss out on the joys of the life God is giving me now.  Ten years down the road, I don’t want to look back and realize that I can’t remember the myriad grace gifts of God and the joys of raising a family because I was focused solely on the challenges of serving in a Muslim country. I want to be present each day to receive God’s love and grace and to give him thanks for His gifts. 

Years ago someone challenged me to thank God for 5 things every night before bed, and last month again God convicted my heart about cultivating gratitude.  I’ve been encouraged by the 1000 Gifts dare: “Ann invites us to embrace every day blessings and embark on the transformative spiritual discipline of chronicling God’s gifts.” (her website) I see bloggers everywhere are making lists of things they are thankful for, so I decided to make one myself.  Every morning before my quiet time, I write down 5-7 things I’m thankful for.  Here are some examples:

109.  My 14 year old son playing guitar as we worship together as a family

110.  My daughter, who styled my hair the other day and did a great job

111.  My husband, who serves all of us in so many ways

112.  Dear friends and a sister who generously gives her possessions, money, and spiritual encouragement

113.  The garlicky deliciousness of Turkish green beans cooked in olive oil, tomatoes and onions

114.  The chance to put my feet in the Aegean, squish my toes through the cool sand, and listen to the waves come against the shore last weekend

115.  The daily presence of God, whose love and mercy never leave me

116.  The slow but steady advancement of God’s grace touching lives here

I’d like to say that making this list is transforming me into a more grateful person, but I’m not there yet. I have to confess I still complain, but my 1000 gifts list is helping me to open my eyes and reminding me to enjoy my blessings.

Have you read One Thousand Gifts?  What did you think? If you haven’t read it, leave a comment about what you’re thankful for today.

How to Handle Goodbyes with Grace?

Did you know that the average American moves 11.7 times during his life?

 In today’s mobile society, farewells are part of everyday life, especially during the summer when school is out.  Last week I wrote about making new friends, but you probably spend as much time and energy saying goodbye to old friends as you do to making new ones.

If you’re serving overseas, goodbye is part and parcel of your calling.  You say goodbye to your family when you move overseas.  You say goodbye to national friends when you go home on furlough.  You say goodbye to fellow workers who return to their home countries. 

Two farewells in particular stand out in my mind.  Two years ago when we left Turkey for a furlough, my Turkish sister cried a river and hugged me tight at the airport. Last spring when we left Texas in order to return here, my sister-in-law cried and my nieces and nephew huddled around us while we said goodbye.

Last Thursday we gave a going away party. Karl and Ellen, some of our closest friends, are moving back to Sweden after 9 years.  We came to Turkey the same year, and our children have grown up together.  We’ve lived near each other and have worked together.  They’ve added laughter and joy to our lives, so although we’re happy for them, their leaving represents loss for us.

Frankly, I don’t like good-byes, but I might as well learn to live with them, because whether I like them or not, they’re something I have to go through!  I might as well weather them with grace. Here are a few thoughts that encourage me.

Use Goodbyes as a time for reflection

I try to focus on the positive and give thanks for beautiful friendships God has brought into my life.  It’s a gift from God to have people I love so much that it hurts to say goodbye.  What would be sad would be to have no one you care about enough to not want to say goodbye to.

Letting go of friends also renews my eternal perspective on life.  Other friends may come and go, but Jesus continues to be my closest, most faithful friend, the only one who will never move away. 

Allow yourself to grieve, but keep looking ahead

At our going away party for Karl and Ellen, one of our Turkish brothers wept openly as we prayed for them.  This tender scene touched me deeply, and I have shed many a tear as I’ve thought of them leaving. Giving myself permission to grieve ultimately helps me to move on, embrace the future, and look ahead to new relationships God has for me.

Look forward to keeping in touch

Goodbye doesn’t have to be the end of the road. Of course a dilemma of modern life is that even if we have 600 Facebook friends, we can’t maintain every relationship we’ve ever had at the same level, but we instinctively know which people we really want to continue investing in. It takes effort, but keeping in touch through e-mail, occasional phone calls, or yearly letters adds richness, joy and continuity to our ever mobile, changing lives. My husband and I have shared many special moments with old friends we look up when we travel.

So when we take Karl and Ellen to the airport next week, I hope to smile and focus on thanking God for such special friends! Have you said goodbye to anyone recently?

What Turkish Coffee Reminded Me About Establishing Friendships

My neighbor took me totally off guard.  All I wanted to do was to drop off a plate of cake for her kids at the door.  My afternoon tea guests had just left, and I was thinking about cleaning up the kitchen, getting chores done and cooking dinner. What WAS I going to cook for dinner?

But Ayla said, “Meltem and I are going to Kahve Diyari for Turkish coffee in ten minutes. Why don’t you come?” I looked at my watch. Almost 5 o’clock. No way could I have dinner on the table at 7.  I was too tired.  Too peopled out already.  

Then I thought, “Why not? Haven’t I been looking for the opportunity to spend time with my neighbors? The world won’t end if dinner is late.”

Our one hour coffee date ended up being a serendipitous ending to my day.  I laughed to learn that Ayla and Meltem had already had coffee at the same café at 11 a.m. that very day. We sipped our coffee in the 5 o’clock shade, enjoying the breeze and talking about our summer plans.

That cup of Turkish coffee started me thinking about friendships. Ayla and Meltem have been neighbors for 10 years.  They drink coffee together every morning at 11 a.m., usually at home. They shop together, go to the doctor together, and eat breakfast every Thursday with a group of women they’ve known for 20 years.

Maybe that would be too much togetherness for an American woman like me, but Ayla and Meltem can teach me a lot about community and friendships. Turks live in tight knit communities, and it’s easy for a foreigner to feel like an outsider once the initial show of Turkish hospitality is over.  Cultivating friendships across cultures is challenging and takes time.   Here are some keys that have helped me.

Take the First Step

Don’t wait for people to approach you.  If you want to develop friendships, be willing to pick up the phone, and make the first call.  Step out and knock on someone’s door, or speak to a stranger at the checkout line in the supermarket.  Call someone you haven’t seen in a long time, instead of waiting for them because “it’s their turn” to call you.

This sounds obvious, but sometimes it takes a bit of courage. Living in Costa Rica, El Salvador, and now Turkey, I’ve often had to force myself to be bold and take the first step, but I’ve been rewarded with many friendships as a result.

Be approachable and available

Whenever possible, I try to be open to people approaching me spontaneously. This means being flexible and ready to set aside my agenda for interruptions, even if it’s not always convenient. I hope this communicates to my friends that I value them.

Build Bridges

I look for common interests: hobbies, children, jobs, cooking, books, and vacation spots.  If I’m lost for conversation, I just ask people questions and listen!

Give Relationships Time to Grow

We moved to a new apartment building a year ago, and although I knocked on a few doors to invite neighbors to my house, they rarely came. I thought they didn’t like me!  Slowly people have gotten to know us, and they’re more open to us.  I’ve realized that not everyone opens their hearts as quickly as I do to new friends.  Growing friendships takes time. 

How do friendships and community develop where you live? Do you have any advice for me about growing friendships?

What's so Important about Joy?

This week I had a quiet panic attack when I realized I’d left my residence permit --the one that costs $60 along with the $600 application fee-- at my daughter’s skating center.  I kept it quiet because I was desperately hoping to retrieve it before my dear husband found out! Praying and holding my breath all the way, I raced to the center in the car with my two kids.   I must have been uptight because as we walked into the building I accidentally dropped my glasses right in my daughter’s path.  I let out an involuntary scream, “Don’t walk on my glasses!”  She pretended not to know me.

Fortunately the trusty handy man had found and locked up my residence permit for safekeeping. After I picked it up, I went into the parking lot and tried to get into someone else’s car.

“Uh, Mom,” my son said.  “That’s not our car.” That had been why my key wasn’t working.

Next we drove to the pet shop.  After making my purchase I walked out of the store and left my credit card on the counter.

The shop keeper came out running.  “Ma’am, don’t forget your card!”

I thought, “Hmm, am I seeing a pattern here?” That’s when I started laughing. All the way back home, I turned up the music, and my kids and I laughed about my mishaps.

One of my goals is to be a more joyful person even when life’s glitches come up. Sometimes it helps just to stop and laugh at myself. On challenging days I try to take a deep breath and tell myself, “This is the day that the Lord has made. I will rejoice and be glad in it.” (Psalm 118:24)

For me joy is not just extra frosting on the cake of life. It is crucial to a fulfilling life. Joy gives me strength.  Joy gives me a new lens on life, but it’s not just something that happens to me when all of my problems are solved and everything works out okay.  It doesn’t always fall into my lap.

Joy is something I can cultivate.  Here are ways I seek to do that:

• Enjoy God

One of my favorite Bible verses is Psalm 16: “In your presence there is fullness of joy.” This reminds me that no matter what happens, I can take joy in God’s presence with me and in his love for me. 

• Enjoy Life

Let’s face it. A lot of life is pretty ho-hum. Sometimes it’s difficult. I pray often, “God, help me to enjoy the life you’re giving me today.” I want to embrace my life today, and try to enjoy even the simple, mundane tasks. I want to savor simple pleasures like conversations around the dinner table.

• Laugh and smile as much as I can

It’s amazing how smiling can change my attitude on a bad day. 

• Make room in my life for things I enjoy

Here is a list of practical things I can do to increase the level of joy in my life.

1. Walk in the park.
2. Call a friend on the phone.
3. Plant flowers on my balcony.
4. Reach out to someone who may need encouragement.
5. Make time for friends.
6. Talk to my kids or my husband about what interests them.
7. Drink Turkish coffee with my neighbors.
8. Cook some slow food.
9. Read a good book.

What do you enjoy doing? How do you seek to keep a positive attitude?